OK, folks. It’s Monday morning and I can already tell it’s getting way to serious up in here, so let’s have some fun.
So over the weekend, my husband went on a trip to commemorate a friend’s upcoming nuptials. (Fine, he went on a freakin’ bachelor party trip, OK? Are you happy now?! You don’t have to remind me that it’s got the “Hangover” written all over it!)
Instead of complaining how he left me with two rambunctious boys, ages 3 and 7, and a mentally unstable cat who constantly cries for canned chicken and fresh water from faucet, I’m going to share what I did to ensure that he won’t be taking another guy’s trip for a long, long time. (Plus, I’m working with the Law of Attraction here, so I don’t want any of this sh*t coming back at me, kapish?)
The secret here is not to guilt your spouse – oh no. That’ll just make him want to go plan his next trip pronto. The key, my lovelies, is to subtly coerce him into believing – on his own – that you had more fun back home while he was off tromping around with a bunch of smelly guys. In other words, show ‘em all the good stuff he’s missing while he’s away.*
1. Text him pics of you all dolled up.
Girls’ night out? Send him a self portrait before you leave.
I don’t care if you are up to your forehead in barfing or screaming kids, go take a shower and get yourself looking hot. I’m talking full makeup and hair. Then send him a self portrait, telling him your about to “go out.” Even if you don’t have anywhere to go, do it anyway. But definite bonus if you grew some girl balls and arranged for a girl’s night out while someone watches your monsters kids. I know, not easy, but when he gets the hot pic of you, he’ll feel it all the way down to his groin the entire weekend through.
2. Spend his money.
Actually, you really don’t have to spend a “dime” for this one. Just shoot him a text that says “How much $$ do we have in the bank? About to make big purchase.” Then call him (because you k now he’s not going to pick up in front of his friends), but don’t leave a message. Then conveniently avoid answering you’re phone or texts for the next few hours to induce the most fear as possible in him that you are emptying the checking account on a new Louis (and I’m not talking the fake kind here.)
3. Send cute pics of you and the kids having fun family time – without him.
Send him cute family pics to remind him of all the love he’s got waiting for him back home.
Even if you are about to pull your hair out or on the verge of locking your kids away in their rooms, DON’T LET ON. As far as he knows, the kids are angels and sending him family pics will pull at his heart strings and make him wish he was right there with you. Oh and don’t forget to do your makeup and hair. Slap the kids in the front of the TV if you have to, for gosh sake.
4. Open up your bed to your kids.
I’m talking open season in mommy’s and daddy’s bed – stuffed animals, blankies and all. Then send him a pic of everyone cuddled up together. And if you want to take it one step farther, send him a pic of the kid who looks most like him sleeping in your bed and say that he’s been replaced by his mini me. Not only will this stir his paternal instinct seeing his slumbering little devil angel, but it will serve as a subtle reminder that he’ll be the one to reprogram them to sleep in their own beds when he gets home. Works wonders.
Slumbering angel in your bed? Send him a pic.
5. Avoid making a big deal on the pics he texts you.
I don’t care if he looks “hot” and ruggedly handsome in the pic he sends you of himself in the woods. Whatever you do, DO NOT let on that you miss him. Absolutely not. Remember, you want him to think you can handle everything just fine while he is gone – and that includes any inkling of you missing him. Because if you let on just even a teeny weeny bit that you’re lonely for him when he’s not there, your entire sexy bad girl cover will be blown. So stay strong.
No, this ruggedly handsome photo that my husband sent me didn’t remind me one bit of why I fell in love with him. Nuh uh, no way.
How do you ensure that your spouse never wants to leave you and the kids for more than a couple days? How do you remind him of what he’s missing?
*I want to thank my husband of nearly 14 years for inspiring this post after teaching me most of these techniques when I took a girls trip last year to New York. Not only did I cry every single day that I was gone because I missed my family so damn much, but I haven’t planned a girl’s trip since. So obviously, these tactics work like a charm.
